Keanu Reeves is (one of) the love(s) of my life
I went to see John Wick: Chapter 2 on Valentine's Day with my friend N. We both love Keanu Reeves. My period had started the day before, with no PMS symptoms in the week preceding it, which usually translates to particularly ferocious cramps (what kind of shitty pay-off is this, Body?). And lo! They were. So it turns out I really needed Keanu to kill a bunch of people super-violently to take the edge off. In related news: Aleve can dere-lick my balls, shoutout to Hansel.
Keanu Reeves is (one of) the love(s) of my life. At this stage of his existence, he reminds me of a large, noble, shaggy dog. You know the type; their gait is bumbling and a little knock-kneed. But their faces — and their hearts! — are open and ready to be loved. His face is still beautiful and perfect, and when he slicks back his gorgeous black hair I see the cheekbones and jaw that gave him the look of a hero in Speed all those years ago. There was always something so weary and romantic about him, though, and this franchise is oddly the thing to bring it to the fore so effortlessly. John Wick: Chapter 2 is the most violent thing I have seen on screen all year, and as I gasped and flinched and sometimes laughed out loud in that cinema, I was nevertheless filled with a real tenderness towards Keanu Reeves. I don't think a time will come when I will not fancy him. He's a treasure.
The day before we went to the cinema, I'd swiped right on Tinder (a rare occurrence, because I am often uncharmingly picky, and New York really brings that out in me) and sighed. Being single is a job, and most of the time it is fine, in that way some of your teen jobs were fine. But then every so often you remember how little you're getting paid (if at all!) to do this mindless job, and a cold fury settles over your heart, and the day ends under a massive dark cloud. I didn't feel that way on Valentine's Day, but that's mostly because it felt like my uterine lining was in a war of attrition with me, and crucially, it was winning.
But let's be honest: that war would be happening even if I were cuddled up with a hot water bottle and bae. Ugh. Ban periods.